You really need to be the largest in the world if you want to get anywhere. If you're not the world's largest, then what are you? The biggest in the country? The state? The county? Somehow the title "Biggest Lava Lamp in Bumpkin County" doesn't quite cut it.
So, with the importance of the title "World's Largest" established, there are a few strategies that can be implemented to attain it. You can create an object that is the world's largest in one of three ways:
Build it over time, by accumulation of twine or antlers or virtually anything, and craft it into a shape of some kind, most commonly a ball.
Choose a household object, an animal, or something else, and make sure nobody is currently claiming to have the world's largest specimen of said choice, then build a big one. The bigger, the better.
The third strategy is by far the most dastardly: Find an existing roadside item that is touted as the world's largest, and build a bigger one. You might put your opponent to shame; you might even start a war.
After you've chosen what exactly will be scaled up to monster proportions and just how you will make sure it is indeed going to be the world's largest of its kind, then it's time to acquire the necessary materials.
If you've adopted the first strategy, your path is clear: Never again throw away the material in question, whether it be aluminum foil or chewing gum, and request that everyone you know follow suit.
On another tack, the object can be carved out of a chunk of stone or wood or molded from concrete or metal, but the result is somewhat unwieldy. Remember, we're talking about very large items -- it will be nearly impossible to move the finished product if it's solid rock.
If eventual relocation is even a remote possibility, a mesh and papier-mâché construction is likely your best option.
Then build the thing, getting as much help as you can. Making even the smallest world's largest object is a serious task, especially if you mean to firmly entrench said object as the world's largest for long.
If the result ends up too small, it will likely inspire others to poach your world's largest concept. If that's going to happen, you at least want to make their lives difficult.
Once you've built it, your work has only begun. Maintaining the world's largest of anything is an ongoing chore that requires a good deal of paint, especially in harsh climates.
Promotion is another necessity -- you need to communicate to the car-bound masses that the world's largest hockey stick or pencil sharpener or rubber band ball exists and let them know where they can find it.
You might call the Guinness world record folks to alert them to your new record-setting creation, although they are notoriously finicky about adding categories that are too obscure.
But you don't need their blessing. You know it's the world's largest, whatever it might be. To see some of what you're up against, check out the best of the world's largest in this article:
The world's biggest roadside attractions run the gamut from a huge artichoke in California to a giant chest of drawers in North Carolina to giant tires in Michigan.
An apt advertisement for Miller's Office Furniture in downtown Anniston, Alabama, this 33-foot chair was built in the 1980s and is said to trump numerous big chairs scattered across the planet.
This is one chair in which you don't want to lean too far back -- it might flatten a brick building
World's Largest Artichoke: Castroville, California
Down the coast a bit from San Francisco, Castroville, California, is the "Artichoke Center of the World," thanks to its famous Green Globe 'chokes and a $50 million local industry.
The city pays homage to this distinction with a 20-foot-tall steel vegetable (built in 1963) and an annual Artichoke Festival, which named Norma Jean Baker (a.k.a. Marilyn Monroe) its inaugural Artichoke Queen in 1947.
World's Largest Tire: Allen Park, Michigan
The 80-foot Uniroyal Tire was first a Ferris wheel at the New York 1964-1965 World's Fair before its creators brought it back home to Michigan.
While it would fit on a 200-foot-tall car just fine, today the 12-ton radial serves as an advertisement at Uniroyal headquarters just off I-94.
World's Largest Ear of Corn: Olivia, Minnesota
A monument to the fact that modern hybrid seed corn production began in Olivia, Minnesota -- "Minnesota's Corn Capital" -- this 25-foot ear is mounted atop a gazebo in Memorial Park.
Created in 1973, the Corn Monument tops its closely related cousin, the corny water tower in Rochester, Minnesota.
World's Largest Floating Loon: Virginia, Minnesota
Tethered in the middle of Silver Lake in Virginia, Minnesota, by an unseen underwater chain, this 21-foot-long loon has been dubbed by locals as the world's largest floating loon.
World's Largest Chest of Drawers: High Point, North Carolina
Originally known as the "Bureau of Information," High Point, North Carolina's big chest of drawers was constructed in 1926 as a monument to the city's status as "Home Furnishings Capital of the World."
The chest is actually the facade of a building -- the home of the High Point Jaycees (a humanitarian organization).
World's Largest Cuckoo Clock: Wilmot, Ohio
One of many tourist magnets at the Swiss-theme Alpine Homestead Restaurant, this intricate 23.5-foot-tall cuckoo clock was constructed in 1972 and has been in heated competition with the Bavarian Clock Haus in Frankenmuth, Michigan, for the title. (Wilmot supporters argue that a house can't be considered a true clock.)
The place is also a cheese factory, as the clock attests, in more ways than one.
World's Largest Talking Loon: Mercer, Wisconsin
Mercer, Wisconsin, the self-titled "Loon Capital of the United States," is home to a 16-foot loon that weighs a ton and is said to be the world's largest talking loon